“When we no longer know who to believe, we decide to leave everything aside and not act neither one way nor the other.
But in the end even the fact of not acting may play for some of them”. Sem Sen.
Sometimes All the Sadness Is hidden Inside,
Just because her eyes don’t tear, doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t cry.
and just because she comes off strong, doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong.
Photo by: Angelica Photography
I miss those days when he brought me sacs full of chocolate of all kinds. it always had that special taste, like it was mixed with nuggets of love and tenderness that was made especially for me.
Yes I didn’t see him in Valentines Day, yes we’re miles away from each other, yes I’m living a long distance love and yes there are moments like this where missing these simple things makes me as sad as if we’ve been apart for years.
This morning I told myself: we know each other perfectly, we know how to take away the sadness of the other. but is it only when we are in a good mood?
what if we were both sad? what if we were both suffering from the same thing? would it be comforting just to know that this sadness is shares?
the pictures I found when I searched “sad couple” were mostly of couples hugging or holding each others hands.
I think that yes, it is comforting to know that we’re not passing through it alone. and sadness seems to be less painful when it’s shared.
A founder of the Wizpert plateform -which is growing community of experts, where users seek advice and coaching on an array of topics-. sent me an e-mail after he read my post “Too much love” and he asked me to join the community and give advices to people.
and that’s what I did, it’s a whole new experience for me ( I write a lot about different topics but I never gave directly advice to strangers ), and I think I’m starting to enjoy it. I’ll give a feedback from time to time about what I may meet through this experience.
I’ve also put a Wizpert Button on my blog to allow readers to chat with me directly.
Check My profile at https://wizpert.com/semsen
Sem Sen 🙂
This morning he said (beside all the sweet words): “it’s not a big deal go forward, study a little bit and then do something interesting! Go draw something, it’s been a while that you didn’t draw anything, or watch a movie and get away from this entire studies atmosphere!” he always knows how to make me feel better when nothing else works.
I took my phone and went checking my facebook application when I found a page of a teenager who does gorgeous paintings, I saw some of her videos and understood that she had quit studies and started a painter career. It’s not the first time I feel this way but when I see other artists, youtubers, vlogers or any freelancers (sometimes younger than me like this one) who had the courage to follow their passion and give up everything, It makes me thoughtful.
I’ve always supported the idea of being different, rebel and do something we want to do although everybody around doesn’t agree. And it doesn’t fit in any of their expectations.
Why am I really doing this, why did I register myself to the university a few years ago? Well, I’m afraid of saying that this is what everybody was expecting me to do but there’s nothing I can say that can hide it! I don’t regret anything, and I don’t find it impossible to go forward, I’m good at what I do and it seems to me that I like it. But maybe it’s just an illusion and I have this illusion that I like it just because I’m good at it, I don’t make extraterrestrial efforts to succeed and keep going in my studies, and it’s a good field I’m in so it’s kind of motivating when you see other people struggling while you do it (relatively) more easily so I keep going.
But the thing is that, when I’m in a rushed period like this one where there is a lot of work under pressure, the motivation disappears and I start to think deeply and think about the whole thing, studies are taking all my time, I don’t have extra time to practice something that passionate me. I’ve always been creative and loved drawing and I’m drawing from time to time when I’m in a boring lecture but I never had the chance to try to really do something, paint on a big canvas or even spend time or money on buying painting materials. I’ve always loved music and I sing a lot, alone or with friends of mine who are musicians but I never really did something to learn to play an instrument. I’ve always put my passions on the margin and gave all my energy and time on studies trying to convince myself that it passionate me as much as drawing or music does. But I’m just lying to myself because I’m studying just to fit in the role that everybody is seeing me in.
I’m not even sure that I’ll get something good from all this, thinking that I’ll end up working for somebody in an office from 8am to 4pm just disgusts me and thinking about starting a new project and doing something by myself, well it seems to me that it’s too big for me to do it on my own and even if I find people to work with it’ll still be something that takes all my energy and time and I don’t want to be tied down like this.
So I’m basically doing something I think I like that makes me forget about the think I’m sure I love. And that will lead me to a state I don’t imagine myself in. just because I THINK that’s what I’m supposed to do.
But since I know all this, why do I keep going? Why do I keep “Wasting” my time for something I’m not so convinced with? Well basically it’s because I don’t have the courage and I’m afraid to regret, I always say that I don’t want the word “regret” to be in my vocabulary and it’s basically because I don’t take decisions unless I’m deeply convinced that this is what I really want (well, I try). And I’m not convinced that this is what I really want to do.
And it’s tempting as much as it’s scary to take this risk, I’m not sure that I’ll be happy with my “Artist life” and maybe I’ll tell myself in a few years that I could have done something better if I didn’t waste the capacities I had with an unconscious decision. Put on that the fact that I really don’t want to disappoint people around me. Yes, some people are important in my life and I take their advice because I don’t want to disappoint them.
So I’ll keep doing the efforts that I’m doing and hopefully it won’t get more difficult for me to succeed and I won’t take irreversible decisions until I’m sure I won’t regret them. And for drawing, my passion since ever, I should find a way to do something about it, at least on my holiday time. I won’t deny the fact that I’m lazy and That I could have done something about it if I really wanted, And maybe in the future it’ll become serious, (after I finish my studies maybe 🙂 ).
There are moments like this where my presence doesn’t help him anymore, it becomes a burden instead.
He has a lot of pressure at work and he has to think about our future and when I try to discuss, I feel like it doesn’t help, he knows I want him to feel better but since he feels responsible towards me and wants the best for me, it prevents him from turning to me and leaning on me when it comes to this.
but I don’t want to be a charge, I want to be his refuge and his protection whatever his concerns are.
It made me bedridden today, and I hate it.
I had to be sick at least once this winter (I know it’s not winter yet, but here it seems like the fall season have disappeared, we only know summer and winter).
I feel weak and alone and it makes me sad, things feel much harder than they really are once I’m weak.
I’m in a very bad mood and I have a lot of things to do. I really don’t know how to start.
so I came here and posted this. maybe sharing this will make me feel better.
Woke up angry and mad at him… he keeps teasing me while I’m not on the mood and keeps being stubborn and I was fed up.. so I became stubborn too I must admit.
He called and said: “I love you, you’re my everything” I smiled, said “I love you too” and it was more than sincere, I’m crazy in love about him and I just can’t keep being angry for more than a few hours, I would miss the most beautiful moments of my life. everything was back to normal, we discussed a little bit and planned to see each other during the day.
When I saw him walking, it was just like I was re-falling in love, he was talking on the phone, he didn’t see me, he was looking so good in his outfit and I admired every step he made.
I started smiling unconsciously I got closer to him, smelled his smell, he saw me and smiled back, I hugged him, he kissed my cheek. I couldn’t stop smiling I was simply happy.
It’s been one week since he’s in town and he was supposed to go back to work today, and that’s what has been stressing him these last days, he announced me the good news that his manager gave him a few more days, he’ll be able to go to the country side for a couple of days. I knew I wouldn’t see him if he goes but I was very happy for him, he spent weeks alone working hard and I know how much he needs this little break.
We were both happy, the weather was perfect, and there was tenderness in every step we made. We smiled a lot and held each other a lot, we ate together, walked, discussed laughed dreamed together and loved each other. He brought me a gift and he was happier than I was when he offered it to me.
He drove me back home; we were listening to good music.
He didn’t stop repeating how much he finds me beautiful and I didn’t stop repeating how much I loved him, he only answered with that beautiful smile in his face. The most beautiful smile ever. A smile that gives me strength and that fills me with happiness.
I am crazy in love and I’m simply happy and when he’s close I forget about everything, I even forgot why I was angry that morning, these things just happen he’s my half and I’m never going to get away.
I forgot about the distance that separates us for weeks and sometimes months, I just don’t need anything else when he’s around, I feel like the world disappears and that there is just me and him, just our love, and the tenderness that surrounds us, just his hand caressing me and his eyes looking at mine.
I spent one of the most beautiful days of my life and I’m discovering each time that we can make each other happy just by loving each other sincerely, he makes me enjoy life when he’s around I feel that he does something special, when you’re truly loved by the person you love, nothing can make you happier. And I think that’s what everybody’s looking for.
All those bad habits I have…
sometimes I get really motivated and I decide to do something about it, but I rarely actually do something.
Feeling that I hate these habits only helped me to hate that part of me, but I -almost- never got enough motivation to start doing something. and until now, every time I start acting to change something, it never lasts and I get back to the exact state I was in before.
Makes me wonder if some of these bad habits (I still can’t change) are not a nature in me…
and if they are a nature, should they stick with me forever.
isn’t there any way to change a nature in us when we don’t like it?
and by the way… what do we call a nature in a human being?
SemSen's Blog 